Why forgiveness is so difficult

Have you ever been hurt by someone and wanted to get even? Have you ever felt that what was happening to you was not fair? You may have come from a dysfunctional home where you have an alcoholic parents or relative that was physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive. You may have brothers or sisters you did not get along with or a boss at the office who is hard-nosed and difficult to get along with. Perhaps, your marriage is filled with hostility and anger. Unfortunately, you may have
been the victim of a robbery, assault, molestation or rape.

In fact, there are many causes of hurt and loss in this life. There are no relationships that do not have tension at some point. You cannot live in a community of people without experiencing conflicts. In fact, in any human relationship you are exposed to the possibility of pain, injury, suffering, and even alienation in some form and at some point in life.

Meanwhile, there is a strong tendency in all of us to assign blame to the other person or event for all of our troubles. When we are hurt by others, whether it is in form of yelling or silence, we avoid them. Often we develop feelings of resentment toward those who have done us wrong. Sometimes we pretend there is no problem and revert to denial. 

Resentment is created by the accumulation of unexpected anger. It is one of the most destructive emotions in human relationships and can destroy personal well-being and emotional health. However, the definition of resentment comes from the concept to feel strongly again.

Resentment seems to give us power and control over others. We can use this emotion to avoid communication with those whom we do not like. We can use it likes shield to protect us from being hurt again in the future.

The power of resentment can make others feel guilty for hurting us. It also helps us avoid our true feelings about the hurting event. Resentment justifies our victim status and keeps us believing that we are correct in our view of the matter. It can short-circuit our taking responsibility for our thoughts and behaviours. Resentment can develop into a deep grudge and extreme bitterness.

Resentment is like biting a dog after it has bitten you. Resentment eventually becomes it's own executioner. It destroys us instead of the person we are mad at. Resentment is self inflicted torture—irony of life.

Now, have you ever wondered why forgiveness is so difficult? 
—It's because the injured party lets the person who has done the injury go free. This is because, 

• Forgiveness is surrendering my right to hurt you back if you hurt me
• Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

See also "forgiveness is golden"